An Uddhav Thackeray conference

One thing is clear...and that is, our party position is still not clear.

We're still waiting for daddy to stand up and tell us whether we intend to support old what's-her-name for President or not. Or, on second thoughts, let daddy not stand. He's withering away by the day, so if he's hit by a stray gust of wind, that's the end of daddy. Let him call a press conference securely strapped to a sofa chair in our little home in Bandra and give his decision.

Will the decision come tomorrow? I don't know, depends on daddysaheb. You know how it is. At his age, he forgets his own decisions the very minute he makes them. Of course, we save the day by writing edits on how single-minded daddy is. What we omit to mention is that there's very little mind left there anymore, single or sunny side up. Still, we were brought up to be kind to senior citizens, so we're humouring him.

Anyway, the delay is working to our advantage. We had nothing else to talk about these days, and we've only just realised one thing about the press: that whatever we give you, you'll print it.

So I've called you here to request you to not rush daddy into making a decision. Heaven knows he needs half a day just to grasp what we're asking him to think over. Just yesterday, we messed things up a bit, Sanjay Raut and I. We got so frazzled with the media reports and questions that I seized daddy and shouted in one ear, "Aho baba, tya Pratibha Patilcha kay karaycha te sanga na!" and Raut bellowed in the other, "Aajach sangtay ka aajhi phone switch off karun thevu? Sagle mediawale amhala prashna vichartayt, ani tumcha ithe timepass challay!"

I really regret having done that to him yesterday. Not only did he panic initially and start shooting off his mouth at everyone (and everything) in sight, but he took my newest camera and beat me on the head with it (bang goes any chance of putting up an exhibition this year). After which he leapt out of bed and locked Raut in the bathroom. Then he calmed down a bit, had a sip of healing beer, and asked Neelamtai who was cowering in the corner, "What were these two jokers talking about? Pratibha who?"

See what I mean? Don't rush the guy, he gets nervous.

And anyway, we have to think about another complication which has just arisen: as usual, Sushma Swaraj has jumped all 21 guns by announcing that the NDA supports Shekhawat whole-heartedly. Hmph. As if we count for nothing. Bhale aadmi ki koi izzat hi nahi iss desh mein. So we've sent Manohar Joshi to Delhi to go and wring the bloody woman's neck before she makes any more bizarre statements.

What is he going to say there about our decision to support Pratibhatai or not? (Long pause) Only that daddysaheb has still not decided on the issue.

Please come and meet daddy tomorrow. It's our Foundation Day and we want you to come to the party. He may or may not talk about it tomorrow, you know how temperamental (read: loopy) he is. But there will be snacks and juice, and we can brief you on what you can go back to your offices and write.