Does it matter to you, God, that I really hate the rains? No, don't laugh, or I'll pull your moustache. It's all your fault, you with your three seasons and all that blah about the city getting respite from the heat. Call this blas-fucking-phemy, but you are a sadist.
I have had to wade to office in really yucky water at some parts near Churchgate station. Quite apart from that, despite a windcheater, my shoulders and my bum (!) got wet, and I was wearing denims. Every sucker who lives in denims knows that denims never dry up - not in the monsoons, anyway.
Then I reached office after a brisk and, by turns, slippery 15-minute walk to office. On the way, I got increasingly drenched and needed to go to the loo. Once I got there, I learnt that a) The peon on morning duty had decamped without telling anyone and b) The guy on afternoon duty had not turned up yet.
So I sat on the dusty, creaking and shadowy staircase because I needed to eat my packed lunch. Somehow I got the chicken and bread lunch out without spilling anything, noting grimly that the new Rs 1,300 Reebok sack, supposedly waterproof, had fuckin' ALLOWED WATER IN.
After I had finished my lunch and was seriously contemplating peeing on the staircase (it's wood and there was nobody in the building anyway), the peon on afternoon duty sauntered in and asked, "Arre, madam tumhi aalat?" Then he opened the front door whilst whistling a cheery tune, and once the door opened, watched in stupefied amazement as I made a bolt for the loo. I looked like I was chasing after my kid's kidnappers.
Then when I was nicely settled in my chair and turning the fan on a speed of 4 (for maximum and quick drying), the rain stopped and a weak ray of sunlight filtered in through the window.
After being drenched. After spending an hour on a dark and dusty staircase. After a torturous hour of thinking longingly of the toilet.
I put my head down on my desk and wept.
Advice for the rains: Whack all office boys and eat lunch before leaving home on Sundays. Also, carry extra plastic bag to furtively pee in.