Shoot me

...because I felt like listing the most howlarious music videos and film songs I have had the good fortune to come across.

1) Rhythm divine (Enrique Iglesias)
Boy, was this one corny or what. After the boy (who is over 30 years old) and girl emerge out of what appears a seedy hotel room, she runs her fingers along the wall as she walks and daubs it with what looks like the white of an egg in a runny avatar. But the ending really cracked me up - after following the silly girl all over town and right into a carnival, Mr Kournikova hangs around and lets himself be tossed in the air by party revellers. While he's airborne, Ms Egg White walks into the sea and continues walking till it is too late to stop walking.

2) Samundar mein nahake...tum bahut namkeen ho gayi ho ho ho.
At the end of this line, there is too much Ho ho ho for a man who is neither Santa Claus nor can ever harbour hopes of being that cute. I have never seen Amitji looking so wet and shapelessly fat while romancing any woman on-screen (maybe off-screen but my head was turned at the time). Zeenie baby was also not worth a second's screen time because she too was wet, with what they assure me was seawater, but mercifully she was in shape. You have got to see the choreography or whatever the hell it was, to believe it.
p.s.: The sea looks nice in the song. Wins my vote for Character artiste of the year.

3) Mast (from Mast)
After all the flak she receives the moment she makes one wrong career move, let's face it...Urmila's bum is FAT. Don't believe me? Check out the silver bodysuit the woman sported at the fag end of the song (and I swear it was stitched on her or how did she get into it?) and which was probably taken off with a candle and daggers later. There is a lot of effort involved in the song - Aftab tries to dance, Urmi tries to look sexy, Aftab tries to look mesmerised, Sandeep Chowta tries to sing, we try to wait patiently till the song ends.

4) Namak isq ka (Omkara)
If Bipasha thinks she can dance sexily, I think she's an ass. Looking more like a Mumbai bargirl than UP nautch girl, Bipasha at best moved from spot to spot with a fixed smile on her face. Beedi was worse, but Saif and Viveik kinda salvaged a lost cause (read Bipasha Basu). But for all the salt on her lips (she's headed straight for high BP) she still gets to kiss Christiano Ronaldo. Maybe he also likes salt?

5) Koi mil gaya (Kuch kuch hota hai)
Rani Mukherji made us all happy by dying early on in the movie. But she did get our goat by showing up for a shoot of this song in her petticoat. Actually, this song was filmed like this: director Karan Shahrukh Khan Johar sent invites to the entire crew for a Come-as-you-are-when-invited party. Which was why Shahrukh showed up with unbrushed hair, Kajol showed up in the clothes she was wearing when she was washing her car, and most of the girls showed up in a state of undress. Then when they showed up, Karan played cheesy music (a tradition he has continued into his movies) and while they were all dancing, he filmed them secretly.

6) Mere dil ka tumse hai kehna (some god-awful film)
Preity Zinta was in this song. And when I say she was in it, I also say she was in a frightful black wig. And a bathtub at the start of the song. And in a small housecoat thingy later. And all over Anil Kapoor for some reason that I now forget. Check out when Preity executes a tricky two-step after planting her butt firmly on the door frame. Other wonderful Preity Zinta dance numbers: Where's the party tonight?, Jaaneman Jaaneja and Jiya Jale Jaan Jale. 10 years in the business, and Ms Zinta puts on more flat feet as the years pass by.

7) Yeh mera dil (Don)
If only somebody had held up a mirror when Kareena was jiggling during the filming of this song, maybe the woman would have opted out of it. Okay, it's too tedious to lug a mirror around a bad dancer, but at least somebody should have pointed and laughed while shooting was still on, instead of leaving us mere spectators to do that after the damage was done . This dance proves, if you're fat enough, that it is possible for your body to keep moving after you have stopped.

8) Crazy kiya re (Dhoom II)
Doom. DOOM. If you let left-out-in-the-sun-too-long Aishwarya Rai dance with her legs at 90 degrees to each other, the result is an effort that leaves you so cold, you need a sweater. What lyrics, too. "Main yahan bhi gayi, main wahan bhi gayi...socha pal pal usey, main jahan bhi gayi." You mean to tell me she went here and there with her legs still like that? :O

9) Tumhi Se (Chup Chup Ke)
One of Shahid Kapur's more violent numbers. He was fitted with two large Duracell batteries before filming began.

10) Tu jo maange dil (Aflatoon)
Urmila changed her saris for every sentence in this song. There were more American georgettes on display in this song than an ad for Narayani sarees would display. Akshay Kumar got no change of outfit for the song while Urmila got to play several rainbows at once. No fair.