That thing you do

Every single day, for the last three months or more, my Gmail Spam folder has been inundated with some really alluring emails about how, with a minimal investment of a few dollars, I can get a bigger 'thing'. Does not matter if I don't have a 'thing' in the male sense of the word. Does not matter if I don't want anybody with a big 'thing'.

What does matter to me is this: why are big 'things' suddenly so much in fashion? And more to the point, why are these 'things' couched behind such wonderfully suggestive words and phrases?

The last email I got was from somebody called Stephanie Lellalin (yeah, girls with such names are also marketing The Next Big Thing) who wanted me to consider how, with the use of some tablets for a week, I, or rather a person with a 'thing', would become a stallion in bed. I was a bit concerned about this: what if you go to bed, all disgruntled with your man over some'thing', you wake up to a soft neighing in your ears. Okay, so stallions are good-looking, but there's not enough room on my bed for a horse.

Then another email promised that using some lotion resulted in the user being the cynosure of all other guys' eyes in locker rooms. Which disturbed me even more. I didn't know guys openly gape at others' 'things' and after that, actually get jealous (Guys, huh?). A third email proclaimed, 'Women will LOVE your new love machine!'. Probably, but next time, solicit my opinion before presuming anything.

Other emails use such imagery as 'Your nights will never be the same again!' (I really don't see why not), or 'For $7.50, get bigger by three inches!' (THREE inches? What is this 'thing', an illusion?) or even the unoriginal, 'Get bigger, get better NOW!'. Seems to me guys all over the world have suddenly decided to go for it, if you get my drift, with a gusto that should leave nothing to the imagination. Or they're probably wanting to compete with such other 'things' as silicone implants and Brazilian waxes. Or maybe they're all auditioning for the lead role in 'Big Ben'.

Excuse me, somebody just emailed me another thingummy.